I love cake as much as I love burpees.
I am inspired to be the best version of myself and encourage others to do the same, all while binge-eating a sleeve of Oreos. Some days, I eat until I can barely breathe. Other days, I am gung-ho about being the fittest of the fit and preaching the importance of proper nutrition.
On the really good days, I feel the vibrational waves syncing with my soul, and I’m fearlessly driven to take on the life of my dreams.
Other days, I isolate myself out of fear of how the world will judge me for even considering such a thing. Instead, I opt for eating my way into a pit of darkness so I can hide from the discomfort of revealing my true, awkwardly contradictory self.
In the absence of fear, I would live in a space of joy where I feel free from shame and judgment. I would share my story of how I gave up a life of self-sabotage and depression for a life that fully honors my body and well-being 100% of the time.
But fear is powerful.
It has a sneaky way of keeping us small and driving us in the opposite direction of our goals. Just when you think you’re ready to dive in, uncertainty takes over. And just like that, the cake and cookies are there, dangling in front of you, convincing you that numbing the discomfort is the only way you’ll ever know how to cope.
Fear knows your weaknesses well and can knock down your desires in a split second. But ultimately, the choice is up to you. You can take a bite, knowing the downward spiral that may follow. That sweet, decadent bite turns into another, then another. And before you even have time to notice, you’re buried beneath a mountain of shame and guilt.
The other option is to accept it as a challenge to rise up and work through the temptation, knowing your freedom may be waiting on the other side of that dark storm that spins round and round in your mind, day after day.
Easier said than done, I know.
I wish this were the part where I told you my step-by-step plan for navigating fear and self-sabotage and leaping into the life you dream of. And that I haven’t had a cookie or slice of cake in over a year.
But it’s not.
Instead, this is where I acknowledge that I have not yet fully overcome my self-sabotaging ways. And as much as I want to defy it, fear still finds its way in, and food may continue to be my place of comfort when life presents challenges.
But after forty-four years on this earth, I’ve learned a few things.
One, I’m not getting any younger. But more significantly, I’ve learned to pay closer attention to my behaviors and how they either perpetuate or challenge those self-limiting beliefs that trigger the “not good enough” voices in my head.
I’m learning to have more grace with myself in the moments that would normally smother me in shame. I’m remembering that a good workout can recruit an army of endorphins to lift my spirits and help me make healthier choices. And I’m learning that self-care is not a luxury but, in fact, a requirement for getting through the hard days.
These are just a few of the things I’ve learned on this journey of life.
But most importantly, I’ve discovered that finding something that adds joy and meaning to life, and having the courage to share it with the world, is what creates those vibrational waves that sync with our souls, propelling us out of the dark shadows of fear and toward the life our hearts are yearning for.
And perhaps that’s where one of my greatest struggles lies.
I’ve often questioned how I can inspire others to live healthier, more fulfilling lives when I still struggle to do the same. I’ve feared being judged, being seen as a hypocrite, or simply not being good enough to share what I’ve learned.
But I’m beginning to realize that maybe I’ve been placing far too much pressure on myself.
Maybe I don’t have to overcome every struggle before I can offer something meaningful to someone else. Maybe I don’t need to have all the answers or live a perfectly balanced life to share the lessons I’ve learned along the way.
Keeping the fear-beast and shame-demons at bay is a conscious, daily practice that requires strong coping skills—some I’ve mentioned earlier and others I have yet to hone.
And that is what I’m here to share with you.
Not to tell you how perfect I am, by any means, but rather to share what has helped me discover some inner peace, with the hope that it might, in turn, help you.
Because I know what it feels like to struggle with the person you are while desperately wanting to become the person you know you can be. I know what it’s like to feel alone in that struggle.
And if sharing my experiences helps even one person feel a little less alone in theirs, then perhaps all this vulnerability is worth it.
I’m learning that courage doesn’t mean having it all figured out. Sometimes, courage is simply allowing ourselves to show up, imperfections and all.
And maybe there’s room in this beautifully imperfect life to have the cake and do burpees too.